Yesterday what grumpiness! It all had to do with drugs effects and travelling around LA and incompetent pharmacists and the usual stuff that can drive a mild-mannered and normally cheerful person to rages. Not even (perhaps) being a normally cheerful person to begin with, I got more bent out of shape than usual.
But, I don't think of myself as horrifically grouchy either. I know that some people think I sort of am. I have so far been unable to convince them that much of my blustering, when I bluster, is a form of self-entertainment, behind which there really isn't much. Grumbling is a way to pass the time, especially in traffic. Or in line at pharmacies. Lately though, as everything else seems to be getting called into question, I wonder about this, too. The term "civic burn" comes to mind. A low level, constant simmering in the background that, when defenses fall away, flares up. It's a reaction to the endless injustices and stupidities of our world. No one, I believe, who is reading this needs to have a list made up for him or her. You already know. Start anywhere and keep going. Soon you have a landscape thickly covered in complaint. There's the whiny, petty kind of complaint (can be fun) but there's also the real, deep, swampy, serious kind.
I know some of the techniques of circumvention. Pay attention to the "good stuff" and let the rest go, breathe deeply, maintain a bit of haughtiness about it all (stay above it), sigh and roll eyes, find distractions. Embrace joy whenever and wherever you find it. Etc. Yesterday a "patient care advocate" intern interviewed me at the clinic and rewarded me with enthusiastic approval of my coping skills(eye roll called for here).
The "Doubt" of the title of this post is about what's really going on with me. Is it mostly drug effects? It is certain that some of yesterday's inner boiling was that - I'm taking some heavy duty opiates (By the way, yesterday I only reproached one pharmacy worker and one good friend - we'll see if he forgives me today. I hope so)
Am I becoming unable to sustain a veneer of operational competence in the face of the usual, normal barrage of mad life? Do I need extra LACO concerts to keep me sane? (how I miss LACO! How lovely and important is that orchestra!)
Time will tell
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Dan, Jonathan gave us your website. I am happy to see it as it allows me to know how you are doing. Being a health care worker I myself get very unhappy with the health system. I make the worse patient as I expect them to do things as I would. Yeah for pain relief and I know how hard it is to live with pain. As for your driving in LA I know now why Tim and I never went to LA when we lived in Calif. You did a great job showing us around. I picture you and Lulu relaxing in your wonderful backyard with everything looking like Spring. In the higher elevations in New Mexico it is supposed to snow, just to remind us whose in charge. Anyway wanted to say "HI" xoxo to everyone Sandy
ReplyDeleteDear Dan,
ReplyDeleteSorry if I just think out loud for a bit. Some of us tend to use the grumpiness, and/or its manifestation in that 'invisible friend'/alter ego we rely on to keep us company on a daily basis, to stay sane. That grumpy old fart might not be the cheeriest person, but he's sort of an old friend. Something familiar. Safe. That's why we sometimes bite people off when they try to chase him away by 'cheering us up'. He is dependable. Always there in a way that we don't see the grumpiness as in any way hostile in its core, but some people around us might, at times. Especially strangers. And stupid people. Which, as we know, we being ourselves and our grumpy pals, might just include most everyone these days. The grumpiness becomes part of the act. The funny face, pun not intended, we put on to amuse ourself. The character that's there to keep us from getting bored stiff with the humdrum life. And much like when a normally sweet and soft spoken suddenly gets mad and screams out his or her frustration, it sometimes surprises us to notice that beneath that grey and grumpy façade lies something boiling, something with an attitude and a force we hadn't really expected. We, and people around us have started to think of us as always wearing this grumpy mask, and come to turns with it being, mostly, a mask, not really meaning anything. So when we suddenly get enough, when we're fed up with taking it, or we simply get under enough amount of stress, we act upon it with anger, often of a magnitude that surprises us, as well as those around us. What now? we ask ourselves, and probably the big eyed friend over there is currently thinking similar, are we loosing it? No, I'd tell myself, even us grumpy old farts have a right to put our foot down, to release a bit of steam when life has been treating us especially bad. Because even those of us that have come to terms with the fact that the world and most things in it is utterly mad, need to face the fact that sometimes it's screwier than usual and that calls for more madness from our side to retaliate with. But that's just me, I honestly don't mean that this would be true in your case. On the other hand, I'm not sure it doesn't apply. In parts. Or not.
Ciao,
Nenne
Grumpy, schmumpy. When Jesus says "Judge not, that ye be not judged," he doesn't just mean tha if you judge others, others will judge you. The more important meaning is: If we judge others, we create a world of judgement under which we all suffer. Don't judge yourself; you're fine as you are. And if you do judge yourself, don't take it too seriously; that's also okay.
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